No “Bad Vibes” Allowed: The Downside of Positivity
Anything can be potentially harmful in high doses. Take ice cream, for example. Ice cream is delicious. It’s sweet, refreshing, cool and soothing — a summertime staple. However, too many yummy scoops can leave you feeling bloated, over-sugared, sluggish, and for those who have lactose issues — sick.
Positivity is like ice cream. Feeling good feels good. When we feel good we want others to feel good. But forcing someone to feel good when they don’t is like shoving ice cream in their face when they’re full. Too much of anything can be bad for us.
While cultivating a positive mindset is a powerful coping mechanism, “toxic positivity” stems from the idea that the best — or only — way to cope with a bad situation is to put a positive spin on it and not dwell on the negative. It results from our tendency to undervalue negative emotional experiences and overvalue positive ones.
However, it’s important to make a distinction between “positive thinking” and “positive feeling.” How we think about our situation and how we feel about our situation — although closely related — are not the same.
In a culture of “toxic positivity,” negative emotions — like sadness, anxiety, worry, rejection, and disappointment — are seen as inherently “bad” and if you have them, there must be something “wrong with you.”
It’s a problem because our authentic emotions are denied, minimized, or invalidated and can result in emotional suppression and significant self-doubt. It creates pressure to appear “ok” and grateful “no matter what.” Which can be insensitive, invalidating, and frankly inappropriate.
Toxic Positivity appears to be a form of backlash from the “Good Vibes Only” movement — the celebration of positive emotions and the “law of attraction.” Although well-intended, it may have backfired, especially under the current circumstances.
During the pandemic, we are all struggling to deal with a situation never-before experienced — and although we are all going through it at the same time, not all of us are going through it the same way.
During times of adversity, we rely on whatever we can to cope. But coping is not a “one size fits all” and “looking on the bright side” in the face of tragedy or dire situations like illness, homelessness, food insecurity, unemployment, or racial injustice is a privilege not all of us have. Promulgating messages of positivity denies a very real sense of despair and hopelessness and may only serve to alienate and isolate those who are already struggling.
We can internalize these messages and blame ourselves for feeling bad or having a hard time. Judging ourselves for feeling pain, sadness, or fear, can lead to what are called “secondary emotions,” like shame and guilt, which are much more intense and maladaptive. It’s counterproductive because we just end up feeling bad about feeling bad.
The root of toxic positivity is emotional avoidance, a coping strategy used to push away or minimize any internal distress. It stems from having what’s called “low distress tolerance” which is the inability to sit with discomfort. Fortunately, distress tolerance is a skill that can be learned through things like meditation, exercise, therapy, and yoga.
Toxic positivity can take many forms: It can be a family member or friend who expresses frustration with you instead of listening when you’re upset. It can be a comment to “look for the silver lining” or “everything happens for a reason,” or “be grateful for what you have.”
It can be a meme that tells you to “choose happiness.” It can be a friend who repeatedly posts how productive they’re being during lockdown. It can be your own self-shaming for feeling sad, anxious, lonely, or afraid.
Instead, normalize and label your experience and the experience of others. It’s normal to be anxious, adaptive even, during a pandemic.
Take the pressure off: Remove the expectation and goal of feeling positive — all the time.
Journal to self-reflect and better understand what you’re feeling and why — you’ll be better able to see a solution (if there is one).
Basic self-care helps too: Exercise, Sleep, Connect, Laugh, Get creative — practice being in the moment.
Finally, limit news and social media consumption. Period.
In our “fix it fast” culture, we have to recognize that sometimes there is no “fast fix.” That doesn’t mean the problem won’t get fixed, it just means it might take more time and effort than we’d prefer.
Know what might help in the meantime? (A little) ice cream.
